Haunted

I swore I could hear your footsteps in the hall
And I picked up the phone to call you
A habit I've yet to let go of.
I looked in the drawers to find what to wear
And in there was a note you wrote long ago
It said "I love you baby, always"
I couldnt stand for too long after that
I still feel you in the walls
I still slightly hear your voice
I keep thinking the door will open at 5 on the dot, just like it used to
I keep reaching for things only you could grab
I keep walking streets we walked
I keep wondering where this all went so wrong
I need to let go of everything
But you keep haunting me
Your body is still lying in my bed
And I still cry even after all the horrible
I am still hurt.

Stir Crazy

My body is breaking down
at the limbs, & joints and where the air comes out
My insides are fighting demons who want to take me away from everything
I am on a verbal war against myself
I am betrayed by the closest
The truthworthy and the fakers
the liars
you are a liar
Numb from the everything, all these fucken stories
these ugly nasty stories of new life growing in you
the painful pills I swallow to calm me from myself
I am my own life risk
i am the one whose aching has poured out and into hands
that rip me, rape me, tear me, beat me, hurt me
These hands of a lying childish monster
I can rise from all this, all the scars
all the damage
I am damage
I AM damaged
I am the scars the words the hurt
peeling at my skin with your razor sharp ego
I am alone and screaming for you, alone and scared
and scarred
begging for this love to trun to hate to turn back to love
but a love that stabs me straight in the heart, in the back
a heart that turns hard & heavy and black
and you just run like a coward
You are the coward
You were always a coward
Such a small minded fool
A liar with the perfect stories
They wont help you when you dig your hole
They will see the aminal you are
and throw you into a cage of your own hate

Family

Its been a while, sorry guys! Its all good, Im back in action. Just wanted to say a few things to my family....


This week's been a tough one. My health has seen some downs, but my spirit is kept up, only because of my family. First, to my sister... You have always been the only person in this world who "gets me". I dont have to say too much, & you already know. You are a star in my eyes. You give me so much strength, so much hope. I wish I could do the same things for you, I wish I could give you the entire universe, because you deserve it. You are my angel, my rock, my soul mate, my one true love. I can't imagine my life without you in it. I cant imagine anyone's life without you. You are amazing, & I love you so much. I admire you. You are certainly my hero.

To my brother... For years I said you & I would bond once you hit 15. I was right. To watch you grow up, from this miracle baby to the outstanding young man you are now, I am so honored. You were one of the first people to stay with me after the mess of what happened, and for the first time, you told me you loved me, and that you were here for me. Everytime I think of that I tear up. Because it fills my heart with an abundance of joy & love. You have such a bright path ahead of you, every opportunity is out there waiting for you to grab it. I know you have seen what your sisters have been through, & I know that you will be a good man, a great husband & an amazing father one day because of it. I am proud of you like no other. I love you dearly, & remember that you will always be the main man in my life.

To my father... My father. You are the most admirable person I have ever met. You came from nothing, and rose above the dirt & grime and became someone every person wants to be. I remember when I was young I talked about you like you were a superhero. And now that I am older, I realize, its because you always have been a superhero to me. You have always been the one to drop everything to rescue me, the one I went to to talk about boys & "why are they so stupid daddy??". You tell me all the time how valuable I am. & you've shown me what a man should be. If only I could be soo lucky to find a man like my father. I hope I do, because Daddy, you are the best superhero a girl could ask for.

And finally, to my mother... When you look at me, I see the sadness in your eyes. I see you wonder why must I go through all the pains I deal with? I see you thinking of how could you take all that pain away from me & make me your happy little girl again. I see your absolute unconditional love for me. And it has always been your face that I see when I feel completely broken & lost & so ready to end it all. Because I dont want to make you sad mami. I dont want to hurt you. I know how much you have gone through for all of us. I have always wanted to be just like you. You are the most amazing mother anyone could ever have. I want to be just like you Mami. One day. You make me want to live. You make me want to survive. You made me, so I must have some great purpose. I promise to fullfill it, whatever that may be. But I promise Mami, your love will make me your happy little girl again. I love you Mami.

To the beat

A little restless this evening. A little tired, a little thoughtful, a little empty.
There used to be a place I went to clear & clean my mind of dread. There used to be so many friends and parties and laughs. There used to be a person I was that made a room brighter & lighter and grabbed every eye. When I look back on these times with you & you, it makes me think about what have I done to be me right now. Was it my far away past that dimmed the lights on me being happy? Or was it the need to be loved absolutly, no matter what?

It was punches and hard kicks,
it was slaps and busted lips.
It was broken arms and tears,
It was only you leaving that I feared.
It was showing me new things that glimmered in gold
And you gave all the new after I already had the blue & old.
It was drives to other states and baseball games and laughs
It was me getting lower & you getting all the staff
It was holding in my bed and choking in my sleep
It was never my intention to get in this so deep
There were sirens loud and songs I'd sing you
It was my first time having something like you
And I fought with my heart, my cumbled heart not head
Because if I didnt I would have turned up dead
Your love was so painful and so beautiful and so lovely
Your love, I miss your kisses and your punches and you're funny
It was the words you spewed to me with grace
It was the drunken angry slaps across my face
It was your powerful, demanding, broken deminor
It was the way your eyes lit up when you thought of her
It was me turning my cheek to be better
It was you hurtting my cheek, being clever
With those beautiful ugly lies, those beautiful lying lies
My pitiful crying cries, and slowly dying inside
It was that I knew you had another, and you blamed it all on me
It was me acting like my mother, keeping on being naive
It was that I had fallen so deep, so true, so blind
It was that you kept telling me you were all mine
It was me believing all your terrible, not-even-thought-through lies
It was me wanting you so bad that I didnt care as long as you stayed here
As long as you protected me in your arms, and under your fists
And I never thought once you'd go.
It was you walking away that made me say I love.




"We could have had it all, rolling in the deep. You had my heart inside of your hands, and you played it, to the beat."

What happened

When it happened, I was still
A simple word on a page
I was erased, and it all vanished
When it happened, my feet did not move
I could not see you, feel you, taste you, be you.
Lost in a box of pictures
Saddened by the absolutness
I stood alone in the hall we once lived in
When you happened I felt the same
But the gold was shimmering grandly
And your smile made the blue skies orange
I was alivei n your shadow
I was in love in your vision
I wanted what you promised to give me for all my life
But when it happened
I felt my insides break and melt and burn and die.
I was lost in a box of pictures
I was a chalk outline of who I was.
Oh your face, it is what I needed
The medicine that brings me calmly to my knees and undresses my sights
I can do this all day. Every single day.
You watch me lay and you watch me move
You forget I have always known more than you with this
You are overcome with the goodness I give you
I am taking away the blackness that covered us
You make it seem ok I think. Im guessing. Im hoping.
Does everything change when the lights are on?
I notice you have moments with this
You get closer each time, you wait longer to pull away
I am nearly satisfied.

Burned

Your kisses made me bleed
Your caress bruised my skin
Your words punched my heart
I believed every hit

I walk on glass with silk shoes
With burden and fear on my back
In a cast, on my knees, I begged you.
Broken down and scarred and burned

Your finger prints linger in these rooms
They haunt the halls and my neck
I still feel you around me, choking me
I want to believe you and your lies
But this kick in my back wont forgive

Maybe I should hate you.
But I can't. Because I am good.
I hate you so much that I love you,
And that pain is what burns me the most.

Long Beach Travels

I had no plans yesterday. My plan was to do nothing. Maybe catch up on "Kourtney & Kim take New York", a bacon, egg & cheese on english muffin, and my now favorite Bacardi Mixers Raspberry flavor 12pack. I get some goodies and begin my day of nothing. Totally engaged by Kourtney's inability to see that Scott is changing, and he wants to be the good guy she's been bitching to him about. This show is like visual crack for me. I'm drinking my mixer, nice & refreshing and I'm starting to get a buzz. I check the ol' facebook, hit up my friend to come join my festivities and wait to see the previews of the next Kardashian adventure.

My friend comes by, we relax with some herbal help, and she tells me to come out to Long Beach with her for a house party. I usually would take a day to think this over, but I jumped on the opportunity to possible get wasted on the beach around a group full of surfer dudes and bettys. I throw on my favorite pair of 7jeans knock-offs, a cute tank & thermal, & my all-stars. Make up is flawless & hair is just dreamy. My brother, the coolest guy I know, and its almost sad to say that since he is only 17, drops us off at the LIRR graciously, but not without running over my foot with the car. I scream in terror, and think my toes are all mashed versions of their former selves. But I'm ok, I hop over to the train & begin my LI adventure.

I have always enjoyed long train rides. There's something about the train that makes me feel classy and rich. I decide to pretend I'm on my way to my weekend house on the beach and when I get there, dinner will be made & my room will be ready thanks to my lovely maid Martha. Snap back to reality, we arrive to Oceanside. My friend lives in a very beautiful area, the houses are big & it reminds me of the place I'd like to live & raise a family in. And I'm thinking of all that happened and how I may have lost my chance to ever have that, I'm spinning into sadness. But not tonight. Tonight, we party.

We go eat at a very cute sushi restaurant, where I am introduced to my new best friend, Sake Bombs. I did 4 sake bombs. It doesn't sound like much, but I will tell you, & excuse my language, that shit will fuck you up. But it was a good fuck me up. I have a nice buzz, I'm having a good time. Then suddenly, Douchebag 1& 2 walk in with their "ladies". The guys looked like wall street rejects, and the women looked like they were made in a factory. These people should have been hanging out with Charlie Sheen last night. They start a conversation about Xanax. They should have just asked me for some. This is when we exit.

We get to the party, and its cool. The house is ridiculous and very easy to get lost in. We walk up to the room where everyone is hanging, and we start off with cotton candy vodka shots. I have a Jamaican rum & coke. I am hanging, and out and feeling good. We have to leave because my friend has allergies and the dog is making it hard for her to breathe. I grab my stuff & my drink, she gets the vodka & chaser. We head to the beach which is 10 steps away. I am high on the moment and loving this so much. We walk up the boardwalk, on to the sand, and there I feel the endless sea. The wind is blowing hard, the waves are crashing on the sand like an angry punch. We sit down on the cold sand, we place our drinks around us & look out at the ocean. There are ships with bright lights, there is a city shining. The stars are bright and looking down on us as though they are just watching. I am having a total Zen moment.

We hit the pipe, we laugh, and listen to some classic Salt & Peppa. I can almost taste the salt in the air. And the waves are tempting me to go to them and wash away all the negative that has been bringing me down. Because right now everything is perfect. The world, the wind, the sea, the air. I am finally feeling alive. It was, and probably will be, one of the best moments of my life. I felt clear, and limitless, and there was some form of love around me. I finished my drink, brushed off the sand from my clothes, and said goodbye to the beach. And I promised myself this would not be the last time I come here.

Its been a hard time. But last night I had the best time, and that cancels out all the negative things thus far.

Heros

Sat in the middle of the floor, organizing the broken pieces of a life that up till that point, had been real. And every moment seemed like it meant the most at its time. Every word had meant exactly exactly what you wanted it to mean, & I took it exactly how you wanted me to take it. I started with the tears, these salty, constant, heaving tears, that scarred my face, that burned my skin. These tears that I have had for oh so long.

Thank you to my mother, my hero. My mother, who has endured more pain for me than anyone.
She says to me, "Mi hija, levantate"; "My daughter, lift yourself up". Yes Mami.
She says, "Mi hija, sacudete la suciedad que te dejo"; "My daughter, shake off the dirt that he left you".
"Mi hija, te queiro tanto, y te prometo que nunca mas vas a sufir"; "My daughter, I love you so much, and I promise you will never suffer again".
Yes Mami. YES MAMI! I will never suffer again!

It is the strength she gave me that builds me up, that lifts me to a greater me. She is the one who put the first pen in my hand, who taught me to write, who told me "your words will be the key to your success". Every punch, write it down. Every ugly word, write it down. Every kick, slap, break up, depression, happiness, love & good, write it down.

I will Mami, I am. I realize the greatness I am. I realize that my words have always been true. Yes I mean everything I say. Yes, I will write you in words and read you because you are nothing else but that. I was made to triumph, to become a leader, to be followed and to read. I was made to make you all realize the better things. I was made to survive, even at the lowest, even when they think they have me pinned into a corner, and there is no light to follow, I survive. I survive because the blood that runs through my veins comes from a long line of strong women who have suffered, and been broken down, but have always gotten back up and fought the fight to survive. Because we can be knocked down, we can be kicked and thrown into darkness, but this blood guides us all, back into our rightful place, the spot my grandmother made me, the spot she built for us. Where she is, where my mother is, were my aunts, my heros, all are. The women in my life are my heros. The woman who have raised me, who have shared with me, they are all heros. And it is my goal to be a hero & stand next to them in that place where we are all heros.

Halleluja!

Woke up to the sunlight, the warmth of the sun touching my lips. Good fortune is on its way. And a call from a great friend picked me up out of bed. The walk to the other room seemed the longest for 10 ft. I was surprised how the cold water refreshed me & did not sting. With a cool breath of air, I walked into my bedroom, what for a long time was our bedroom, and for the first time in a long time, I smiled, and giggled a little, just enough to keep me on top of the world for moment. I dressed, and planned out my day. I became myself again, well, I've begun to become myself again. I brushed my hair, I put on my make-up. I looked in the mirror and saw a spark in my eye, a sign of myself. I smiled to the train, I smiled though the city, I smiled when I passed my stop and got off on yours. And I decided to walk.

My day has been marvelious. It was full of laughter and happiness. Good news has come from every corner of my life, so far. I walked home without turning my head, but by also, not looking down. I am walking towards my home, and every light becomes a flash of happy moments that are still to come. I remember who I am. I am living for me now. It is amazingly refreshing and yet sufficating. But I have to. And I want to. Oh im so excited! That pain may never go away. But I will not let it become the only feeling I have. Not anymore. Im going to shine...

Im on your Side

So im sitting in my little house, no lights on, no sounds. And i know that i should be out & about. I should be talking and making conversation with wonderful people who allow my mind to expand with all the new ideas they give me. I should be watching the sky change colors and the sun set behind a bridge. I should be laughing and exploring every new possibility i have ever wanted. I should be on a plane to some joyful place where the sun kisses my skin, and the salty water washes away the dark cold in my viens. I should be hearing the wind brushing against my ear like a mouth with a secret. I should be exchanging stories, and remembering good moments of this life thats been so beautifily ugly. I should be thinking of new words, and new thoughts and new everything. I should be thinking about right now. I should be thinking of  a way to escape this shadow of pain and sorrow and absolute hurt. And absolute crushing hurt. I should be singing the songs I did not sing to you, and I should be making the moves I never made on you. I should be happy. I should be grateful. I should be alive inside of this shell. I should just be.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog! If you are someone who loves to write, & wants to read what others have written, this is the blog for you. I will add new pieces as often as possible. This will be our stage to shine! I will start by sharing one of my favorite pieces I wrote. Please feel free to share your writing & thoughts :)


A Song In You

Im listening to my music
im writing words to my songs
im waiting for good thoughts to inspire
im finding its been you all along

im taking each moment
each hand holding walk
when you kiss me on the train
when you hold me in the dark

im dreaming in colors
im living in fogs
im taking your flavor
putting it into my songs

when you say those sweet things
those make-me-blush & jump things
the after-hours want me's
those tiny little look things

im writing you my song
im making it sing you
im waiting for your words
im looking straight at you

when your eyes dont say too much
when your lips can only kiss
when your hands, mighty & strong
touch the parts on me you miss

im singing my song, your song
you are the notes & the chords
you are the paper i write you on
you are the penciled in words

im just the writer
i cant play guitar
i come to watch you
while i stand at the bar

while your melody whispers
and your strums fill my head
im hearing you play me
i've followed where you've led

and i will, i'll follow
i'll run
i'll wait
i'll go
you are my song