So In

And we play house almost every day.
Beginning to middle to hoping for no end,
I look forward to our quiet nights and funny looks.
You've opened up a whole new, undoubtedly familiar
person I fought not to be for so long
but for you seems just right
and im comfortable in it, in this skin.
I may sometimes search for something wrong
And I may sometimes not listen to you're exact words
And I most definietly sometimes am silent with no expression.
But I cant wait to smell you, and I touch you, and be filled with your stories
I cant wait for everything and anything when you arrive.
I have learned to be cautious, and my judgement is solid
My eyes excited to see new things with you
My ears passionate to hear new words with you.
Its been a long time. Its been a time for waiting.
For clearity. Rightfully deserved.
Im beyond myself with joy!

Sound, sleep, Sound

Im feeling in and excited
A new shape to fit the mold
Of the sensability i was lacking.
Set into a worldwind of crazy, unexpected
Wonderful intisment of new beginnings
Im ready to explode all over this night
The moon is high and watching the moves we make
I am waiting for the clouds to clear & have the light
cooling my hot skin, I am ready
The highlights of my new face
My new skin, born brand new to feel the touch
Of what is worth it all
Sitting up, smiling hard, and honestly
I am ready all over again
For the newness, and the comfort
of real life humanity
Pushing this cold out of my bones
Im coming back to life, and energized by the fact that im alone
But alone in myself where I should have been long ago
And im comfortable
Im accepting
And careful
So this isnt an issue at all, because im good
Im fine and excited and optimistic
Looking forward and ready to go
Im sleeping in my own bed, in my own sheets
In my own skin, and im good.
Im fucken soo good, sooo fucken good....

Raw #1

You're crawling under my skin
I can feel your claws breaking my viens
And I am dying to get you out of my body
It is poison that you bring
I am hating everything you've ever said or did or are
I want to wish you all the worst
All the black & dark and evil you left behind
I hate you with passion that I once used to love you
Undeserving nothing that you've always been
I want to rip your heart out & smash with a hammer
And throw sharp glass in your eyes
And grab you by the throat to stop you from breathing
Because thats what you've left me with
All these dying feelings that make me cry
its not fair you deserve to feel this pain
I cant get you out i want you out i need you
I miss you
I want you to come home and take everything over
& kiss me on the mouth so hard & long
and i want you to mean it this time
I want you to mean it this time
i want you to not fake it like you did for all of our time
I want you to wipe away my tears & tell me this was all wrong
I want you to
I want you
I hate that i want you
I want you to hurt
I want you to cry & cry till your face is stained with burning salty tears
i want you to feel
god dammit you have to feel
you can not be this cold this dead this evil
i want you to die inside for your sins that you did to me
I want you to hate yourself & crawl in a hole and never come out
It is not a fair world, it not fair in love
I hate you love
I hate you for getting in me
and making me fall for scum
for no one
for a person who isnt a person
but a filthy rotten animal
with no soul, or heart, or anything
it was never right how we fight
Dont you know thats not what you do to the one you love?
You dont push them, & beat them, and tell them they're nothing
I want you to suffer, suffer what i've suffered with you, for you.
All the lies you made me tell to protect you from the truth
so that no one would know how bad you really are
That is not love
That is not what I know to be love
And you promised me, you said never
you said that first day, never, no hits, no bruises, no scars
you said it in my bed, to my face, to my heart
I believed you, God, I believed it
I kept believing it, under all the blows
Suffer boy. I wish for you to suffer
But I cant, I cant do that because I am not so hurtful
As you want to make me seem
I am not the villan in our story
I want you to know all of this
So that you might understand what heart break really is.
I am too good to truly wish you bad.
All I see is your smile.

Not you, just your smile.

Red Eyes

Walking with a high of completeness that radiates in florecent colors,
She was the red hot devil that made all the wonderers swoon.
A look that permiates with substance, he grabbed her attention.
She was taken aback by the sweet conversations;
"Im not looking or wanting or waiting" says the girl with the longing heart.
But his intense desire, and uncontainable strength overcame her rejection.
So many times to have were to come, and time waits for no one.

It was a filthy love affair, stained by the wares & tears of love long gone.
The maniacle ways of his words twisted her sides, and darkened her already black heart.
There was nothing natural about their mutual obsession for one another.
But it fit perfectly, peices that had no business binding, did.
So to deny their already set-in-their-ways life would be blasphamy; or
Purely selfish to each, wanting to seperate.

Though so many wanted them both together, and apart
It was clear to see the devotion in her eyes, and lips.
He was a cool breeze that never stopped blowing,
and though it could lift her to the skies, He also tore her dress down.
It became a constant plite of reassurance, and ok's, and why think that's.
Not a moment passed without his arms around her,
"Im in it till the end of the world love, Im not giving you away"
And with that, she could sleep, and breathe, and wake.

A brutal battle that almost brought those who once lived & loved, down
to their bloody knees and their broken spirits.
That which was an everyday occurance, now lingered in halls like ghosts.
A love with no limitation, but needing boundries finally faded away.
And the red hot devil she was, became a cold, hard stone of salty rivers,
broken promises, and times that were still to be had.

It was never her intention, and its all she could have said
Because really, was there any way this could have not happened?
Even if the Gods themselves would have thrown lightening between these two broken souls,
It was meant to be for a little while, not forever, but for enough time
So they both may say love is good, love is grand, but hate comes from love,
and it is that, and only that, that stopped their obsession.

Its my Music...

The only other voices I am hearing
Are the ones of great artists
They remind me of every second
And it feels good to listen to their songs
There's nothing that can take them away
Its a love that has no past
Im living inbetween each lyric
I feel it all in my bones and its lifting
I am not letting me down
I find the solace i've been longing for in these notes
I am back to being on the road to calm
I once wanted to take every line that reminded me of you
And send it
But now I am thinking of my own songs
And they remind me of what I once was
Im sorry you would think that I would steal your fire
Im not blinded by malice or its obsession with hate
I am diving into this mirage of welcomed freedom
I am taking the power from each beat dropped
Each strumming string
Im walking with the bass, the treble
where I go from here must be better
Must be where I belong, it says it in the song
Im not holding steady, Im not calm & cool
I am the everything that makes this sound
Even the sad ones make me bob my head
I am entharlled by its power
Its simplicity, and its raw beauty
From this moment, how can it feel this wrong??
But Im screaming it out, im yelling it to the world
Im here im not stopping
No steps i can not take
Im rising Im rising Im rising
Today is all about the music, my music, the truth
The spirit in me that runs after it & into it
As fast as I can, I am not letting it go
Im grabbing it by the wings and releasing my,
Me, with the flight of their words.

This Passing feeling

Its been days since I felt the shine of the sun on my face
And now I am almost cured, yet the rain falls.
I sit in this room full of light, artificial completeness
There are still too many memories that linger.
Stuck in the hole, this nothing, this aching
It is constant, and it is murderous.
I wonder about the adventures they've had
Since the infamous exiting
Is it wrong that my mind can not overcome my sullen heart?
Am I living in a clouded image that I made up myself?
I am despereate to overcome this darkness.
I wait every day to see some clarity, some hope
My wounds are still so fresh, but old
And I find myself running in dreams towards nothingness
I am broken and I want to survive
But the willingness is lacking, and the demons might just win.
I keep looking out this window with the smallest bit of anticipation
Because I keep believing all those fibs will leave your heart
I am hungry for your words, and I miss your caress
If I dont get out soon, I'll drown myself in memories
And my chances of life are limited.

In a Wooden House

I closed my eyes and had a dream
In the woods with snow and laughter
A wooden house filled with voices
Well wishes and smiles and good fortune
I saw your face glowing in the distance
I laid my feet in the cold snow towards you
And followed the warm shine you gave
At your feet I arrived with an open soul
A once broken heart that you mended with your love
Your skin is so soft and delicious
I feel your mouth all over me, your arms all over me
I brush my cheek against your belly, like I always did
Our bodies wrap into eachother and I am home again
I feel your heart beating with mine, together
I am filled with your heat and your love and us
I am finally back to where I had always wanted to be
Nothing can ruin this moment
You say we are bound to each other,
In spirit, in heart, in love, in life
You say I might wake without you there
But you carry me inside yourself at all times
And you are sorry for all the pain thats come from your exit
And you promise me that one day we will be again
All this passion was not just a quick dream, a vision
That in this life we take chances we make mistakes
We break hearts that we never should have
And when you are done on your journey to find so much better
And it never comes, you hope I will be still here
In a wooden house, feet laid in the snow
With an open soul for you.
I say I hope. I say I want to. I say I have been.
Because it is this part of you that has stayed in me
It is this part of you that I have followed and wanted
And I may wait, I might
But I cant promise that by that time we will be the same,
Though I strongly hope so,
But like this dream, tomorrow it will be different
And I wish for you much, but I cant be a slave to your words
Or your promises.
Your skin against my cheek, this is where I want to stay forever
But I must wake.
I always have to wake.
Because if I dont, I wont ever leave you behind
Like I should.