Raw #1

You're crawling under my skin
I can feel your claws breaking my viens
And I am dying to get you out of my body
It is poison that you bring
I am hating everything you've ever said or did or are
I want to wish you all the worst
All the black & dark and evil you left behind
I hate you with passion that I once used to love you
Undeserving nothing that you've always been
I want to rip your heart out & smash with a hammer
And throw sharp glass in your eyes
And grab you by the throat to stop you from breathing
Because thats what you've left me with
All these dying feelings that make me cry
its not fair you deserve to feel this pain
I cant get you out i want you out i need you
I miss you
I want you to come home and take everything over
& kiss me on the mouth so hard & long
and i want you to mean it this time
I want you to mean it this time
i want you to not fake it like you did for all of our time
I want you to wipe away my tears & tell me this was all wrong
I want you to
I want you
I hate that i want you
I want you to hurt
I want you to cry & cry till your face is stained with burning salty tears
i want you to feel
god dammit you have to feel
you can not be this cold this dead this evil
i want you to die inside for your sins that you did to me
I want you to hate yourself & crawl in a hole and never come out
It is not a fair world, it not fair in love
I hate you love
I hate you for getting in me
and making me fall for scum
for no one
for a person who isnt a person
but a filthy rotten animal
with no soul, or heart, or anything
it was never right how we fight
Dont you know thats not what you do to the one you love?
You dont push them, & beat them, and tell them they're nothing
I want you to suffer, suffer what i've suffered with you, for you.
All the lies you made me tell to protect you from the truth
so that no one would know how bad you really are
That is not love
That is not what I know to be love
And you promised me, you said never
you said that first day, never, no hits, no bruises, no scars
you said it in my bed, to my face, to my heart
I believed you, God, I believed it
I kept believing it, under all the blows
Suffer boy. I wish for you to suffer
But I cant, I cant do that because I am not so hurtful
As you want to make me seem
I am not the villan in our story
I want you to know all of this
So that you might understand what heart break really is.
I am too good to truly wish you bad.
All I see is your smile.

Not you, just your smile.