Broke

Leaving me high & dry was the worst thing
Im struggling to survive on nothing
I have nothing
And I depended on you.
My first worst mistake was that.
Im dying alone in this box you left me in
I have nothing
I can cry all I want
It wont pay for anything
I need help to survive
And I depended on you.
I never was like this, so hunrgy
I never had to beg, so lonely
I never had to think twice, but you left with nothing
And I depended on you.

Haunted

I swore I could hear your footsteps in the hall
And I picked up the phone to call you
A habit I've yet to let go of.
I looked in the drawers to find what to wear
And in there was a note you wrote long ago
It said "I love you baby, always"
I couldnt stand for too long after that
I still feel you in the walls
I still slightly hear your voice
I keep thinking the door will open at 5 on the dot, just like it used to
I keep reaching for things only you could grab
I keep walking streets we walked
I keep wondering where this all went so wrong
I need to let go of everything
But you keep haunting me
Your body is still lying in my bed
And I still cry even after all the horrible
I am still hurt.

Stir Crazy

My body is breaking down
at the limbs, & joints and where the air comes out
My insides are fighting demons who want to take me away from everything
I am on a verbal war against myself
I am betrayed by the closest
The truthworthy and the fakers
the liars
you are a liar
Numb from the everything, all these fucken stories
these ugly nasty stories of new life growing in you
the painful pills I swallow to calm me from myself
I am my own life risk
i am the one whose aching has poured out and into hands
that rip me, rape me, tear me, beat me, hurt me
These hands of a lying childish monster
I can rise from all this, all the scars
all the damage
I am damage
I AM damaged
I am the scars the words the hurt
peeling at my skin with your razor sharp ego
I am alone and screaming for you, alone and scared
and scarred
begging for this love to trun to hate to turn back to love
but a love that stabs me straight in the heart, in the back
a heart that turns hard & heavy and black
and you just run like a coward
You are the coward
You were always a coward
Such a small minded fool
A liar with the perfect stories
They wont help you when you dig your hole
They will see the aminal you are
and throw you into a cage of your own hate

Family

Its been a while, sorry guys! Its all good, Im back in action. Just wanted to say a few things to my family....


This week's been a tough one. My health has seen some downs, but my spirit is kept up, only because of my family. First, to my sister... You have always been the only person in this world who "gets me". I dont have to say too much, & you already know. You are a star in my eyes. You give me so much strength, so much hope. I wish I could do the same things for you, I wish I could give you the entire universe, because you deserve it. You are my angel, my rock, my soul mate, my one true love. I can't imagine my life without you in it. I cant imagine anyone's life without you. You are amazing, & I love you so much. I admire you. You are certainly my hero.

To my brother... For years I said you & I would bond once you hit 15. I was right. To watch you grow up, from this miracle baby to the outstanding young man you are now, I am so honored. You were one of the first people to stay with me after the mess of what happened, and for the first time, you told me you loved me, and that you were here for me. Everytime I think of that I tear up. Because it fills my heart with an abundance of joy & love. You have such a bright path ahead of you, every opportunity is out there waiting for you to grab it. I know you have seen what your sisters have been through, & I know that you will be a good man, a great husband & an amazing father one day because of it. I am proud of you like no other. I love you dearly, & remember that you will always be the main man in my life.

To my father... My father. You are the most admirable person I have ever met. You came from nothing, and rose above the dirt & grime and became someone every person wants to be. I remember when I was young I talked about you like you were a superhero. And now that I am older, I realize, its because you always have been a superhero to me. You have always been the one to drop everything to rescue me, the one I went to to talk about boys & "why are they so stupid daddy??". You tell me all the time how valuable I am. & you've shown me what a man should be. If only I could be soo lucky to find a man like my father. I hope I do, because Daddy, you are the best superhero a girl could ask for.

And finally, to my mother... When you look at me, I see the sadness in your eyes. I see you wonder why must I go through all the pains I deal with? I see you thinking of how could you take all that pain away from me & make me your happy little girl again. I see your absolute unconditional love for me. And it has always been your face that I see when I feel completely broken & lost & so ready to end it all. Because I dont want to make you sad mami. I dont want to hurt you. I know how much you have gone through for all of us. I have always wanted to be just like you. You are the most amazing mother anyone could ever have. I want to be just like you Mami. One day. You make me want to live. You make me want to survive. You made me, so I must have some great purpose. I promise to fullfill it, whatever that may be. But I promise Mami, your love will make me your happy little girl again. I love you Mami.

To the beat

A little restless this evening. A little tired, a little thoughtful, a little empty.
There used to be a place I went to clear & clean my mind of dread. There used to be so many friends and parties and laughs. There used to be a person I was that made a room brighter & lighter and grabbed every eye. When I look back on these times with you & you, it makes me think about what have I done to be me right now. Was it my far away past that dimmed the lights on me being happy? Or was it the need to be loved absolutly, no matter what?

It was punches and hard kicks,
it was slaps and busted lips.
It was broken arms and tears,
It was only you leaving that I feared.
It was showing me new things that glimmered in gold
And you gave all the new after I already had the blue & old.
It was drives to other states and baseball games and laughs
It was me getting lower & you getting all the staff
It was holding in my bed and choking in my sleep
It was never my intention to get in this so deep
There were sirens loud and songs I'd sing you
It was my first time having something like you
And I fought with my heart, my cumbled heart not head
Because if I didnt I would have turned up dead
Your love was so painful and so beautiful and so lovely
Your love, I miss your kisses and your punches and you're funny
It was the words you spewed to me with grace
It was the drunken angry slaps across my face
It was your powerful, demanding, broken deminor
It was the way your eyes lit up when you thought of her
It was me turning my cheek to be better
It was you hurtting my cheek, being clever
With those beautiful ugly lies, those beautiful lying lies
My pitiful crying cries, and slowly dying inside
It was that I knew you had another, and you blamed it all on me
It was me acting like my mother, keeping on being naive
It was that I had fallen so deep, so true, so blind
It was that you kept telling me you were all mine
It was me believing all your terrible, not-even-thought-through lies
It was me wanting you so bad that I didnt care as long as you stayed here
As long as you protected me in your arms, and under your fists
And I never thought once you'd go.
It was you walking away that made me say I love.




"We could have had it all, rolling in the deep. You had my heart inside of your hands, and you played it, to the beat."

What happened

When it happened, I was still
A simple word on a page
I was erased, and it all vanished
When it happened, my feet did not move
I could not see you, feel you, taste you, be you.
Lost in a box of pictures
Saddened by the absolutness
I stood alone in the hall we once lived in
When you happened I felt the same
But the gold was shimmering grandly
And your smile made the blue skies orange
I was alivei n your shadow
I was in love in your vision
I wanted what you promised to give me for all my life
But when it happened
I felt my insides break and melt and burn and die.
I was lost in a box of pictures
I was a chalk outline of who I was.
Oh your face, it is what I needed
The medicine that brings me calmly to my knees and undresses my sights
I can do this all day. Every single day.
You watch me lay and you watch me move
You forget I have always known more than you with this
You are overcome with the goodness I give you
I am taking away the blackness that covered us
You make it seem ok I think. Im guessing. Im hoping.
Does everything change when the lights are on?
I notice you have moments with this
You get closer each time, you wait longer to pull away
I am nearly satisfied.

Burned

Your kisses made me bleed
Your caress bruised my skin
Your words punched my heart
I believed every hit

I walk on glass with silk shoes
With burden and fear on my back
In a cast, on my knees, I begged you.
Broken down and scarred and burned

Your finger prints linger in these rooms
They haunt the halls and my neck
I still feel you around me, choking me
I want to believe you and your lies
But this kick in my back wont forgive

Maybe I should hate you.
But I can't. Because I am good.
I hate you so much that I love you,
And that pain is what burns me the most.